Monday, September 27, 2010

Oh, How I Love Weekends.

This weekend was beyond the words I could possibly use to describe it.

Friday was wonderful. Assembly days are always quick and not as painful as normal school days. In STUGO we played hide and seek around the school which was amazing.The Homecoming Game was Friday night; I was kind of stressed about it, but everything turned out perfectly and Gaby and I got our beloved headsets and we looked pretty BA, if I do say so myself. We ended up leaving the game early and going to Chik-Fil-A. We watched Lexi dance to Blaine's bumpin' music in the middle of the parking lot and get confused looks from everyone passing in the parking lot. The only way to describe this was that I had to hold myself back from completely losing it and peeing my pants. I got to go and visit with Kyle for a little while after his football game which is always nice, because he's someone I love to talk to. The girls slept over on Friday night and we stayed up until 3 just catching up on everything we've missed.

Saturday was Homecoming. Getting ready was fun, Going to Petco and the Dollar Store before Homecoming was a blast, Homecoming itself was amazing, and getting Icees after the dance definitely helped to cool us down.

Sunday was the only day that I think I would go back and change about this weekend. And actually, it may be the only day in my life that I would completely go back and change. Many people believe "I would never go back and alter something about my life or something that happened." And I can guarantee that is complete crap. Everyone has one event or time in their life that they desperately wish to change. Sunday night was mine. Sunday morning I got up, went to rehearsal for church, sang, sat through service, then came home. I completed all my homework, going through all the normal Sunday occurances.

Then, having too much time on my hands to sit and think, I texted Bryce asking what he was doing and if he would be home later. He was at work, but he said after he got off he would be home for the rest of the night. So, I asked if he would want to talk. We hadn't talked since we broke up, and I wanted to clear things up about why exactly it has to be like this. We met at the park by his house and for an hor and a half, all we did was talk and catch up. You realize that when you're away from someone for 3 weeks that you used to tell everything to, you want to share every story in great detail. We obviously didn't get everything out, but I got about 90% of the past 3 weeks into our conversation. Then he said he had to go, and that I need to get up so he could hug me. So I got up, we hugged. Then he said he missed me and we kissed. The last sentence is the one part I would change, but only because it hurts so much.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Happiness.

Happiness is a complex topic in itself, let alone when we compare it to our everyday lives. For a week and a half I've considered myself fairly happy according to the situation I was in; I guess I made a different conclusion today. I was happy I could move on, away from the hurt, the tears, the memories. But watching him move on? That's a whole different story. Don't get me wrong, I want him to be happy more than anyone because of the pain I put him through, but seeing him actally move on is getting more and more difficult. Watching our every day lives not involve each other is getting more and more difficult. Getting through every day pretending to be 'happy' (whatever happiness may be), is getting more and more difficult. I wish this was all easy. I wish nobody felt pain from situations in their life, but it is the only way we can learn.



What is happiness, anway?


I guess this kind of explains it.

Monday, September 20, 2010

A Change in Season

The simple changing of summer to fall allowed me to have a realization this morning beyond just noticing the different temperature outside. A person is like a season; they are inconsistent in every aspect possible. A person's inconsistency, however, can have such a greater impact than the changes in the weather. Sure, an unexpected change in weather--such as rain or snow--can ruin a person's day. But an unexpected change in a person? It has such a greater impact.

Not just this morning, but for the past week I have made this realization and pulled it all together into one combined thought process. Sure, we're all attempting to truly discover who we are and what our place is in the world, but do these discoveries have to involve a change in your personality and everything your life used to be about? Our sole purpose on Earth is to live for God and to represent who He is through our every day life: are we all truly living up to this standard to the best of our ability, or are we letting individuals such as boyfriends get in the way? Of course, I may be called a hypocrite when I mention the term 'boyfriend' and how they are constantly changing us because I do believe I changed when I was dating Bryce. For the good or bad, I'm not sure of yet, but I know I changed. However, noting that I did change while in a relationship, I believe there are others around me who's relationship have them going consistently downhill as an individual. Not only are best friends forced onto the sidelines, but they are becoming less and less important while the boyfriend takes over. This may or may not be directed at one person or couple, but even if it is directed at one couple, I know there are many others out there who have been hurt by this aspect of life as well.

Going back to my statement earlier, I know one aspect of me has definitely changed: the ability to stand up for myself. Standing up for myself hasn't always been one of my fortes. Lately though, it has been. I know others have realized this because I'm now often referred to as intimidating. Learning to stand up for myself has been one of the greatest lessons of life I have learned so far. With many years to hopefully come, I'm not sure any other lesson could surpass this one. Why should we stand watching on the sidelines while we let our own life pass us by, just like we're watching our best friend's lives pass us by as they are overtaken by a relationship? We have one thing that we can keep consistent throughout our lives: and that's who we are and what we live for every day.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

It's Just the Beginning.

This past week has been one of the most eye-opening and wonderful weeks of my life. As I deal with the hurt of a break up, there are so many other realizations that have been running through my mind. While I'm finding a way to cope with the hurtfulness of things said, why should I waste my thoughts on what "could have" been or what I could have done differently so I could currently be in a different position? As I find things to fill the emptiness that once laid with a steady relationship, my happiness is now lying elsewhere. I'm finding such joy in the simplest of things such as singing, going for joy rides with my best friends to an unknown location, and mending broken relationships that have been put aside for the past 2 years. I know that things can only get better from here, why not live the life I've always imagined?